A Spoiler Memoir for My Younger Self

Hello!

I know you’re still there. And if you’re reading this, can you keep this to yourself? Let it be our tiny little secret.

Just for once, can you put your paper dolls down first? I know you love to play with them. I do too, but I swear, they’re not going away. They’ll still be there where you left them, waiting for you to happily dress them up once again.

My girl, how’s life treating you?

Did Mama buy you another set of paper dolls? Did you share it with your little sister, or did you guys fight again? Do you still enjoy the chocolate-flavored nuts that Papa always bought you whenever he came home from work? How’s our childhood friend Clavel? Do you still play with her all day, roleplaying in a silly little table with your pink dollhouses?

How’s school? Are you still at the top of the class? Do you still love the chocolate-flavored drink that Mama bought you every day? Does she still do your hair every morning? How does the iced scramble taste in front of the school? Does it still have a lot of milk on top of it?

Hey, are you enjoying life?

I hope you do.

I hope you enjoy life to the fullest that you’ll never wish to grow up too soon.

There will be a lot of changes that will occur while growing up. Your innocent mind will probably take this as something that came straight out of a telenovela from our favorite channel—dramatic, a tearjerker, a little gloomy, but still hopeful.

We won't be living in our old home anymore; you’ll probably freak out because your best friends live just around the block. Well, you'll freak out, I would say, but you will be forced to be strong and too understanding to just go with the flow.

There are a lot of things that will change moving forward. The spot that you once thought was our place forever will not be our home anymore. It will surely make you sad, but you'll grow, and you’ll be doing a great job of adjusting to anything. You will probably even leave me in awe with your capability to accept that everything doesn’t go our way.

You’ll probably be proud of how you’ll be able to stand on your own two feet now. At first, I totally couldn’t grasp how much you've grown—but the moment it sinks into you that after a couple of years, you’ll be able to travel to different places, meet various people, blend in with a huge corporate world, and work at least eight hours a day—I surely did bawl my eyes out. You were able to buy the things that you want, and you were able to treat the people you love without worrying if there will still be enough left for tomorrow. You will literally mold yourself to be the adult that you are now.

You will still love writing just as much as you have loved it in the 6th grade. You will be able to meet people with the same love of writing as well. You can rest assured knowing that they are people you can always consider your own. I won’t deny that your love-hate relationship with writing still exists, but hey, you’ll always return to it, treating it as if it is your first love. Didn't you say, “First love never dies”?

As much as I long to tell you only about the rainbows of our story, I know you need to hear how we’ve been soaked by the storms that came before them. Those storms—painful as they were—have made you stronger in ways I could never have imagined. And for that strength, for everything you’ve taught me, I will be forever grateful to you.

You will love, you will hate, you will grieve, and you will hope.

As you have so much love to give, you will try to love in all forms. You will love people unconditionally. You will do things so passionately. Your love will transcend time and distance, navigating life and surviving every storm, reminding me that no matter where life takes us, your love will always be part of me.

As much as you love too much, you will express hatred too. You will hate the world for being unfair at times. You will hate the universe for not being kinder to you.

You will grieve for your losses, for people, for passion, for the versions of yourself that you tried to kill just so you can have yourself at best.

Still, you will hope. And I know that you will never stop hoping.

You’ve come so far, but you’re still here inside of me, and I know that no matter how many times I replace the calendar on my desk, you’ll still live here as that happy kid who loves paper dolls. A kid who wishes to have a life in which she can do the things that she loves.

But until then, I hope you enjoy living as a kid for now. I hope you live life to the best that you won’t even think about healing yourself, as there are no wounds to heal at all. 

I hope you enjoy life to the fullest that you’ll never wish to grow up too soon.

Khengie Hallig is the Feature Editor of 4079 Magazine. A 4th-year BA Journalism student who specializes in feature and creative writing. She has experience as a writer-intern and contributor to the Philippine Daily Inquirer's SUPER K.