Romantic Relationships Through the Eyes of WLW: Are They Any Different?

Have you ever had a Woman-Loving-Woman (WLW) relationship in the past? Or you’re currently in one? Perhaps you're single and reflecting on a relationship you lost a long time ago due to intricate circumstances that led you to yearn so much, but were too powerless to do anything? 

If you find yourself caught up in any of the situations mentioned, the lived experiences of these wlw couples might be close to your heart. If not, their stories may be a perfect chance for you to see through their lenses. 

To figuring out Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, and Expression (SOGIE) 

“I already knew that I’m a lesbian when I was only a grade five student and I fully accepted that I am,” Mal (not their real name), a 50-year-old  lesbian, who goes by they/them pronouns, said.

“I remember back when I was a child, the toys I played with were cars and trucks. I would pretend to drive a jeep or a bus.” Even on their birthdays, Mal would wish to have these toys as their gifts.

“I never came out to my family. They just noticed the signs and they accepted me. When they felt that I’m a [lesbian], they let me be one,” they added. 

When Mal was turning 18, their family asked them if they wanted to wear gowns and dresses for their formal coming-of-age celebration. However, Mal refused their offer and wore a t-shirt and pants instead. 

“When I debuted, my girlfriend was there, but I was the only one who knew that,” they shared. 

Mal never anticipated that their teenage girlfriend would be their long-time partner for four years and counting, particularly when they had lost touch with each other since 1992 and just reconnected in 2020. 

On the other hand, a 27-year-old lesbian and a transgender named Ru had a rocky early stage of figuring out her SOGIE. She was around 11 years old when she started to question her sexuality as she underwent countless trials and confusions.  

Eventually being certain of her sexuality and true to her identity at 13 garnered adverse reactions from her family. She had to deal with discriminatory remarks from people who have strong prejudice against lesbians. 

She described their reactions as “displeased, unaccepting, and ashamed.” 

Eventually, Ru’s family discovered that she had a girlfriend. “They weren’t against us, but they also weren’t supportive. All I [received] that time were pure discrimination and disgust,” she shared during an interview with 4079 magazine.. 

To come out or not? 

Coming out is a process that an individual who identifies themself as a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual and other identities go through as they disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity and expression to the society. 

For lesbians like Mal and Ru, directly or indirectly coming out to their loved ones can provide a sense of liberation and a big step to self-acceptance. However, the personal decision to admit that they’re sexually, emotionally, or romantically attracted to women isn’t guaranteed to go smoothly as one could hope for, especially in an overly conservative society filled with patriarchal norms. 

In a report by the Human Rights Campaign Foundation, there are numerous ways in which an LGBTQIA+ member undergoes the coming out process. According to the foundation, there are people who choose to style their clothes, put accessories, and symbols that align with their sexuality and gender identity. Meanwhile, some may just simply bring up their sexuality in a conversation when it calls for it. On the other hand, there are those who still choose to formally come out and disclose their SOGIE to their loved ones. 

Mal and Ru chose the former to express their SOGIE. It was Ru who suffered from her parent’s verbal and nonverbal disapproval of who she really is, while Mal on the other hand gained parental support. 

“They’re not required [to come out] because it’s their personal choice. They may possibly face many problems, especially when they are already out, which isn’t easy for them,” said Juliana Martin, a 21-year-old lesbian and genderqueer whose parents were initially unsupportive when they discovered that he had a girlfriend. 

Martin feared that his parents would be disappointed by his relationship with a woman. "At first, they were really angry since I was still young. They believed I had been greatly influenced by my peers, so when I started high school, they attempted to transfer me to another school,” he shared. 

Coming out, even done among fellow lesbians, isn’t certain to end happily ever after. It’s a huge gamble that could either lead to one’s greatest satisfaction or biggest regret—for the truth is, not everyone, including your blood relatives who stood as your guardians, will accept your authentic identity. 

Even worse, the act of merely being open about how you want to be perceived and acknowledged can result in lost familial ties, changed relationships, discrimination and harassment, stripped financial assistance, homelessness, as well as being a victim of hate crime. 

If the consequences of coming out could cost you your comfort, safety, and life, would you even dare to take the risk? 

The wonders and disasters of WLW relationships

“I already knew Mal when we were high school students because they would usually head to Quiapo Parochial School where I studied so they could catch up with their friends,” Zhen, a 47-year-old bisexual and Mal’s long-time partner who goes by she/her pronouns, said during the interview. 

“We have our common friends and they told me that Mal had a crush on me,” she added. 

Mal and Zhen’s teenage relationship abruptly ended after a month of officially going out as a couple. They admitted that they tried to make it work, but failed due to their childishness and lack of emotional maturity. 

“We didn’t have a formal break up. We just stopped seeing each other and the next thing I knew she already had a boyfriend,” Mal said. 

With their no-contact separation and Zhen getting a boyfriend, Mal was hurt and cried a bucket of tears. As an excuse to hear her voice, they would frequently call Zhen’s family number and every time she would answer the phone, Mal wouldn’t respond. 

After a few years, when the news reached Mal that Zhen already had her first baby at the age of 19, they completely let her go and focused on their personal life. 

Mal and Zhen became Overseas Filipino Workers (OFW) in Dubai and Japan. Mal worked there for seven years and went back to the Philippines permanently, while Zhen has been staying there for 18 years and is working on her permanent residency. 

During those years wherein they were completely off each other’s lives, Zhen was committed to heterosexual relationships while Mal had been in numerous wlw relationships. 

Recalling their past experiences, Mal shared that they once had a girlfriend for two years who was married to a man after they parted ways. 

“Her family wanted her to marry a man. When it became obvious to me that they were hiding her, saying that she’s not home whenever I would go to their house and try to talk to her, I stopped.” 

However, in 2020, Mal didn’t expect that Zhen would find them on her suggested friends and message them on Facebook after 28 years. They were thrilled and thought to themself, “this was the person I had a huge crush on when I was a teenager.” 

After catching up to each other’s missed significant events, they decided to rekindle their romantic relationship. The two are currently in a long distance relationship and would only meet in person if Zhen would go back to the Philippines to spend her vacation with her family. 

But mostly, their mode of communication is through video calls. “We don’t hang up on each other. Our calls stay for 24 hours, even if one’s asleep.” 

“I like to see Zhen every day. She makes my day complete,” Mal said. 

When asked if they believe that Zhen’s already their lifetime partner, they agreed. 

“Absolutely. I mean, I was already in love with her since childhood, I don’t want to let her go anymore,” Mal responded. 

“You wouldn’t expect it. We had a relationship when we were young, and now, we’re still in a relationship,” Zhen added. 

Their four-year relationship is nowhere near perfect. They almost broke up so many times, but one of them would always choose to lower their pride, and fix their conflicts.

To add, Zhen’s two children from her previous relationships aren’t a problem in their relationship. Mal learned to love them as their own and gladly took the responsibility of being their second parental figure. 

For Ru, the biggest challenge that they had to endure in the course of their wlw relationship was the opinion, feelings, and comments of their respective families. However, those comments didn’t stop them from staying committed to their nearly 10-year relationship. 

“Currently, we still have no plans of living together, but if we really want to, we can. For the meantime, I want us to individually mend ourselves while still supporting each other,” Ru said. 

Before committing to major plans as a couple, Ru highlighted that their priorities don’t solely revolve around them—their priorities include their loved ones.

On the other hand, for Martin who’s currently in a 5-month relationship with his bisexual partner, he shared that he continues to face difficulties, one including having to deal with overly critical people whose understanding and perspective aren’t broad. 

“Many people think that [being a lesbian] is a sin. No matter what good deeds you do, you will still be made fun of,” he added. 

At such a young age, Martin suffered from bullying which detrimentally affected their personality and self-confidence. 

Being in a wlw relationship never gets easier. In fact, his constant fear and insecurity is the possibility of their partner abandoning him for a man—an unfortunate situation that happened with Mal. 

So, are WLW relationships any different? 

In a heteronormative society where heterosexual romantic relationships are regarded as the ‘standard’ and heterosexuality as the ‘normal’ sexual orientation among others, being in a same-sex relationship, especially woman-to-woman, vastly differs. 

Gender roles, societal expectations, power imbalance, conflict resolution, and communication are the most significant distinctions between the two. The same society that constructed heteronormativity which breeds harmful consequences, targeting sexual and gender minorities is the very same society that gives heterosexuals privileges and passes.

“Compared to how people accept straight couples, they find it hard to accept WLW relationships because it isn't normal for them—asserting that we will not have a normal life because [what we have] isn't the normal life they have," Martin explained.

In WLW relationships, the two parties involved don’t need and shouldn’t submit to gender roles traditionally constructed for man-to-woman relationships. Expectations such as one should be the initiator, the main provider, and the dominant partner, while the other one should be the follower, the receiver, and the submissive partner. Questions like, “Who’s the man?” and “Who wears pants in the relationship?” represent gender-roleplaying and power dynamics which produces inequalities and restrictions. 

Not that these typical gender norms don’t exist in WLW connections, but breaking away from them makes relationships less conforming and more flexible. 

Yna, a 47-year-old bisexual who prefers she/her pronouns, had a lesbian partner for 15 years. Her late partner, Jean, was not the 'man' in their relationship. "Ours was a mutual relationship. At times I'd follow her lead, and occasionally she'd take mine. If she did something wrong, she would apologize to me, and vice versa," she explained. 

Yna described the women she had been in a relationship with as “effortful, caring, and sweet.” While the men she had been with in the past had similar characteristics, they weren’t as thoughtful. 

“Let’s just say because they are men, they aren’t like women. But if a woman loves you, they will 100% give you everything, at least in my experience,” Yna shared. 

When it comes to emotional intimacy, Yna experienced such a deep connection only to women. “They understand me more, and because both of us deeply understand each other, there will be no big fights as everything will be talked through,” she said. 

Yna also admitted that she became more mature while being in a WLW relationship. “When I dated men before and I found one thing that I didn’t like about them, I would quickly leave. For instance, when I prohibited him from smoking, but he still smoked, and I caught him, that’s my cue to break up with him.” 

Concerning physical satisfaction in her previous relationships, Yna found no difference in sexually engaging with  a man or a woman. “Whether you’re doing it with a man or a woman, if you love the person, you will be satisfied and you won't find yourself looking for more,” she said. 

As long as Yna has already formed a strong emotional bond with the person she loves, she will enjoy doing things together, even the most mundane ones. 

To all the women who love women out there 

The challenges of women who love women are very different from heterosexual and other non-heterosexual relationships. They also don’t magically go away after deciding to embrace their genuine identities. Aside from dealing with the risks of being out, they will most likely encounter additional systematic difficulties, including but not limited to internalized homophobia, low self-esteem and negative body image, mental health issues, and worst, violence.

The societal support for the LGBTQIA+ community is minimal, due to the Philippines' continued tolerance and rejection of them. “The religiosity of our country is the root cause of why we can't be accepted by our society,” Martin emphasized. 

May the lived experiences of women who love women provide others a greater understanding of what it is like to see through their lenses and fight against a challenged society. 

Alex Manalo is the Assistant Online Director, a feature writer, and a member of the copyreading department of 4079 Magazine. A fourth-year Journalism student in PUP-COC Manila who is currently a writer-intern at Pinoy Weekly, covering beats such as Media, Culture, and Arts. She is an aspiring journalist who focuses on feature and news writing, as well as photojournalism. She has been actively engaging in activities that highlight the plight of the marginalized people and the challenges they face.