The Inexplicable Nature of Grieving

We all see grief from different lenses. It is one of the most complex experiences we go through at some point in our lives. Whether it’s the passing of a loved one, letting go of an ambition, or from the loss of a supposed future and what could have been, grieving is one of those things that cannot be simplified into a single explanation.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who pioneered in psychological studies, also attempted to define death and grief. In her book On Death and Dying, she introduced the five stages of grief in the context of how terminally ill patients process their diagnoses. 

Denial: "No, not me, it cannot be true."

In the first stage, Kübler-Ross explained how patients, upon learning the severity of their illnesses (in her case studies) refuse to believe it or at least acknowledge the truth. She discussed how the shift from a brief state of shock to disbelief may be associated with the fact that “in our unconscious mind, we are all immortal.” Being confronted with death is naturally the hardest pill to swallow and the most difficult concept to grasp.

Anger: “Why me?”

Patients tend to pose a question of all people, why them? Why do they have to go through their situation, and eventually project the blame on the people around them? Most of the time, those people happen to be their health practitioners, resulting in a lack of trust and the providers developing feelings of resentment toward their patients.

Bargaining: "There has to be a prize for good behavior." 

Somewhere down the line, patients usually find themselves avoiding the situation. “His wish is most always an extension of life, followed by the wish for a few days without pain or physical discomfort,” Kübler-Ross said.

Depression: "What's the use, there is nothing we can do anyway.”

As reality sinks in further and indifference and anger no longer help, patients get consumed with hopelessness. Kübler-Ross named two types of depression: reactive depression and preparatory depression. The former is caused by loss that had already taken place while the latter is more akin to anxiety and grief for imminent loss.

Acceptance: “The final rest before the long journey.”

After going through the previous stages of grief, a patient will reach the peak where they come to terms with the reality of it. Kübler-Ross pointed out that while this stage may appear like a happy one, it is characterized by disinterest and resignation, as if the patient has already surrendered. One of her case studies described it as “the final rest before the long journey.”

Overtime, the way these five stages of grief are understood have evolved into the context of grief such as losing a loved one. Most people may not be aware  how it came about, which is why critiques of this theory emerged. It is crucial to recognize the context in which it originated, but also how it was eventually applied to diverse situations over the years, particularly the face of grief we are most familiar with. While grieving death may be a universal experience, the processes we live through it are unique.

Another important factor to consider is that this proposition was developed in a Western context and may lack input on how other cultures confront death and grief. For example, in East Asia, where collectivism is viewed in high regard, grief is processed in communes as seen in their mourning ceremonies and customs. On the other hand, African communities grieve by celebrating the life of the dead, which is a considerably lighter reaction. The differences among these experiences are significant  in understanding grief as social and cultural upbringing heavily contribute to how we grieve individually.

Some may agree with the five stages of grief, that it is a linear process and that it will eventually lead to acceptance. Others may argue that grieving is rather more of a cycle, an emotion one goes through every now and then. Many would say it’s neither. One could process grief by seeking company and comfort among others, while another could choose to put it aside or not speak about it as much as possible as a mechanism to avoid the pain that comes with it. 

“Personally, I view grief as a form of love.”

It is love with nowhere tangible to go, so instead we project that love onto the things that remind us of the people we lost—on their favorite mug, on the ever familiar scent of their perfume, on the songs they used to sing, and the picturesque sunset on a Tuesday afternoon they would have loved watching. I would have had a different answer years ago, one borne out of confusion and rage. Having loved someone only to lose them to death is, after all, painful to say the least. We lose a chunk of ourselves when our loved ones pass and it is grief that fills that dent. It is how I learned to accept grief as a part of who I am, eventually moving forward and living with it.

There could be a million ways to describe grief and neither one of them is more valid than the others. One could use all the words existent to men and still not know what grief truly is. Navigating death and loss is never an easy task, and it does not have to be. It could help to try and understand the complicated process of grieving, but it is equally acceptable to not have it all figured out. Time will pass and we will come to realize that grief is the amalgam of all our attempts to keep our loved ones alive even in our memory. 

In the end, love’s deepest gift is also its heaviest burden—grief. 

Felicity Anne Castor is the Lifestyle Editor of 4079 Magazine. She is currently a fourth-year Bachelor of Arts in Journalism student in PUP - Manila and a writer-intern for Philippine Daily Inquirer's SUPER K.